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Sunday, May 01, 2011

Meanwhile in Download City…

Filed under: Download City |

Never mind which level of Hell they’re on…
Osama bin Laden screamed….and screamed again…and another 70 times in the processing center. The appropriate number of virgin demons disemboweled him with their anvil-shaped genitalia. This was, of course, on top of the excruciatingly quick pain dealt him one week prior.
After the last demon finished withdrawing his appendage from Osama’s rectum, the former al-Qaeda leader finally realized that this was just the beginning. Another damned human shoved him out the exit to the main realm.
And, strangely enough, no one he knew was waiting for him, save a damned soul from ages past…from before Mohammed’s time, and then some.
“Greetings, Osama bin Laden.” The man took the terrorist and helped him limp away. “Needless to say, your reputation precedes you. Saddam Hussein and many of his compatriots are waiting for you.”
Osama wheezed blood from his mouth. “And…who are you, infidel dog? You are not Pigman…he was chasing me you know. He had me cornered!”
“Then you must have illusioned him in lieu of the US Navy SEAL which dealt you the killing blow.” That sank for a moment. “My name is…Tom Zarek.”
“And you are not of the Ummah!” Osama exclaimed. “You are damned for all eternity!”
“As are you. See,” said Zarek, “we’re in the same realm.” He waved his hand and Osama beheld for the first time. The skies were crimson and black; the terrain was blood and instead of lakes of water, they were filled with fire.
Osama sighed, and this time he did not cough up blood. “So how long have you been here?”
“Tell you what, Mr. bin Laden. I’ll be glad to answer that later. But what I will say is that I led a rebellion against my kind and I lost. And I didn’t murder as many people as you did. And before you get to hang with your buddies, you’re going to go to your very first Eternal Punishment session.” He pointed off to the distance. “See those two identical towers over there?”
“Yes, that’s the Infidels’ World Trade Center! I brought them down on September 11, 2001!”
“Or a reasonable facsimile thereof,” smirked Zarek. “You’re going to go in there, right up to the very floor where those two aircraft slammed in. You’ll experience the 2,977 fiery deaths all at once. You’ll do it every day for eternity.
“And…you’ll be back for more. And then you can go see Saddam. That is, if he isn’t busy with the Ruler of this Realm. And no, it is not Allah.” Just then, a blinding light overtook Osama bin Laden, where he reappeared in the Twin Towers the very next moment.
Then, the Towers fell….

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