AUTHOR’S NOTE: This week’s episode is courtesy of a suggestion from regular reader BolianAdmiral:
Never mind which level of Hell they’re on…
John Murtha and Ted Kennedy scurried about the corridors of the strange vessel which recently turned them into nothingness…searching for the central command core. Fortunately it wasn’t as if they were lost. Every Centurion they encountered pointed them in the right direction.
Eventually they reached their destination, where John Cavil stood with Saddam, and both were smiling. “Welcome, Congressman Murtha and Senator Kennedy!” Cavil exclaimed. “It is indeed a momentous occasion. All of you, Saddam included, are about to behold my latest creation for the very first time, with the authorization of The Infernal One.”
The door slid open and the Number One Cylon invited them all in. He continued. “This central command core was once populated by Centurions who controlled the ship during its heyday from long ago and charged with a singular mission other than exterminating you humans.” He left it at that.
Now, the core was populated only by a sole resurrection tank which had a body immersed in it. None of them, save Cavil, could tell who was in there. Cavil then knelt down near the tank, set flush with the deck, and took two power cables, one in each hand, and calmly added, “I believe you may know who this is,” as he connected them together.
Suddenly the red-tinged lighting of the central command core changed to a white light emanating from the tank. The body opened its eyes.
Murtha gasped first. “That’s…that’s NANCY PELOSI!”
“What? HOW...did she get here? Did she finally arrive!” exclaimed Kennedy.
Saddam was about to take off one of his boots to throw at the face of the body, when Cavil gently placed a hand on his shoulder…and the former Iraqi dictator stopped.
Cavil explained. “No, you’re right. Congresswoman Pelosi is still alive and on Earth. I asked our plants in Washington to obtain a DNA sample, which she was only too happy to unknowingly provide. They transmitted her sequence here, and I incorporated it into a design I was working on for quite some time.”
“Amazing,” said Ted Kennedy. “Where’s my scotch when I need a good drink?”
“Don’t worry, Ted,” said Saddam, “You’ll have plenty to drink about later!” They all chuckled.
The Hybrid from Hell began to speak and perform its functions. Everyone listened intently.
“We won that fight, and once we kick through this door, there’ll be more legislation to follow….all systems nominal, FTL online, weapons systems online…adjust gravitational field by zero point one three percent positive…In our recovery package we put new standards of accountability and transparency, which we hope will now apply…end of line.”
Cavil clasped his hands and cheerfully rubbed them together. “Excellent! Let’s take a little trip to the Iron City of Dis, shall we?”
Murtha, Kennedy, and Saddam all gave each other high-fives and nodded. Murtha added, “Not just Yes but HELL YES!” They had never experienced an FTL jump and they all looked forward to it.
“Well then Congressman, since she was once your boss,” Cavil smiled, “I’ll allow you the honor.”
“Why thank you, Cavil!” the former pork-filled Representative replied. He addressed the Hybrid. “Um…please initiate jump to Iron City of Dis.”
The Hybrid responded: “Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs…FTL drives spinning up…But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy…JUMP!”
The Hybrid arched its back, closing its eyes in ecstasy. One moment the base ship was hovering over the ancient fortress…
...and the next, it appeared partially embedded in the Iron City itself! Thousands of the damned souls were killed upon becoming one with the ship; inside, the gravitational field went awry as portions of the bulkheads slammed into the deck, taking Murtha, Kennedy, and Saddam with them, their necks instantly snapping.
The Hybrid was unharmed, and Cavil’s legs were crushed by the same debris raining down on him.
“Think of an economy where people could be an artist or a photographer or a writer without worrying about keeping their day job in order to have health insurance…inertial dampening offline, FTL offline, weapons systems offline…we could have probably brought down that statue for a lot less…end of line.”
Cavil gasped, “Must…remove…that ecstatic function center…next time.” He lost consciousness….